new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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