Your tits are I can't wait for
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
