can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
