Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
