and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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