who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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