i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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