I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
