At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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