Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
