Having a random hookup so left but love u
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
