Screwed.edu
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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