Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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