I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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