Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
