I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
