when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
