he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
did you just send me my own nude
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
