you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
