new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
