gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
