She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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