Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
