Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
