wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
