If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
