I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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