my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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