he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
