You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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