i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
