Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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