So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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