Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
