wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
