Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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