You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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