I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
