I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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