my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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