God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
