I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
