i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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