planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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