all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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