I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
