take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
