I think I won the penis lottery.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
