Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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