so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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