Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
