remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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