hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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