I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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